Sometimes when we are least expecting it, something jumps out of an experience and gives us a moment of insight about something we take for granted.  Most recently this occurred to me when I was singing along to the Pearl Jam song “Just Breathe.  This was part of a play list and many songs had already passed in a half-listened to blur when the line “Yeah I’m a lucky man/to count on both hands/the ones I love” fully caught my attention.  I realised that I too was lucky to have many people in my life whom I genuinely love, and this triggered a spiral of thoughts and reflections on people who have come and gone in my life.  What emerged was a reminder of how much I love not only my family, but my friends, those closest to me and how happy I am to have them in my life. 

This is a very personal reflection for me as it was through mindfulness practice that I discovered what friendship really meant to me. You will often find in mindfulness books examples where authors recount moments of insight, what is sometimes referred to “a-ha” moments, where you see something clearly, removed of obfuscation and judgement.  In my early stages of mindfulness practice I would find these accounts goading and annoying (“why do I never experience this?!?”) and I would dismiss them as figment of people’s imaginations, try-hards peacocking about their mindfulness aptitude and worldly wisdom.  That was until one day I had a moment of clarity, my own “a-ha” moment about the nature of friendship.

It is hard to describe in a few words (or even a lot of words!) but the essence was that I truly loved, unconditionally, a friend and all that was bound-up in the friendship.  It was not that I didn’t have great affection and love for my friend prior to this, but that it was more of a cognitive understanding and it was complicated (as much was at the time) by my own insecurities around my sense of worth.  This was different.  My worries, my concerns didn’t matter.  I loved this person and I wanted them to be happy, indeed I found myself experiencing genuine joy at the thought of them being happy and fulfilled.

The depth and texture of feeling around friendship and connection is constantly revealing itself.  We’ve reached the age now where we’ve shared many joyous moments.  We’ve seen each other’s relationships develop into marriage vows and seen each other become proud parents.  We’ve shared sadness, anxiety, loss and grief.  We’ve argued and fallen out, as friends do, but the friendship has endured.  We are continually there for each other and even though much of our conversation is and endless stream of jokes, it is underpinned by a shared history, touch points that reveal poignancy as well as humour.  Friendship is profoundly important to me and I am so grateful that my obstinacy (sticking with meditation even when I wasn’t getting what I thought was the “correct” experience) lead me to the sort of emotional intelligence where I could fully and simply enjoy the friendship.

Life can be hard.  Friends and friendship are vital supports as we navigate the shifting sands of existence.  Mindfulness allows us to be with our vulnerabilities and see our common humanity, to care for and support each other unconditionally. Mindfulness allows us to be honest, to cut through our own barriers and really give ourselves to friendships and to appreciate the positives that emerge with joy. When we do, there is much to gain, in the little things and the big things.